Wednesday, June 20, 2007

4 Months

As of today we have been waiting for a referral for 4 months. I remember looking at the calendar way back in February, when our wait began, and thinking that this day would never arrive; it was so far away. The time has past very quickly for the most part but the wait gets more and more difficult as each day passes.

Today we are “officially” in the referral window of 4-6 months. I was hoping that we would get a referral earlier than this, as others with my agency have; everyone ahead of us on our agency yahoo group are requesting girls while we are open to either gender. There are folks on that list who have been waiting for almost 6 months for their referral so I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. We could still have a long wait ahead of us and, since it is unlikely at the point that we would be able to get through courts before the summer closure, a longer wait is probably better – less time waiting to travel.

The thing is I have this ache in my heart. This is the same ache I get when I’ve been away from my girls for too long. I took a week trip away from them last summer and this was exactly how I felt whenever I thought of them. I missed them and my heart was heavy and my arms literally ached to hold them. That is how I feel now. Everyday it gets harder and harder. Someone is missing… I need my baby.

I don’t know how you can miss someone so much that you’ve never met. How can you love a person you don’t know? It’s highly likely that my child already exists somewhere in the world; he’s been born and he is going through a trauma that is impossible to imagine. He is losing, or has already lost, so, so much. I want to be there to hold him, and love him, and help take the hurt away.

This adoption is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. No one could explain to me when we started what an emotional toll it would take. I was sure that I wouldn’t have any trouble waiting for a referral; 6 months is a really short time in the scheme of things. I couldn’t imagine then how the time wears on you, how each day is heavy and slow, and how much your heart already is in another country and you long to join it there.

Now I know.


Chuck and Jenny said...

Carrie, I could have written your middle two paragraphs myself. I was just thinking today (after a flunked court date!) that this is the hardest thing I've ever done, how can I love and miss someone I've never touched so much, how it gets harder every day...

I know we're a step ahead of you, but I feel your pain. Hopeing your call comes soon!


Tarah said...

Tarah here... Thank you for coming out of the closet as my secret alaska stalker! :)
I so relate to what you have said. I know that having a baby so far away is hard. Here is my advice, take this time to do extra loving on your family. Take time to go on lots of dates. Know that the nannies holding your baby are loving on them.
Hey, your baby is alive! Either in Utero or breathing air. What an amazing feeling to know it will happen soon, and that your babies heart is beating!
Lot of ((((((hugs))))) your way.

Mom of 5 said...

I remember those feelings !
It is really difficult. I remember how my heart grew when I got the call and how I felt complete when she was placed in my arms. You time will come !
Hopefully soon!