Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Signs of life

I wish that life came with big signs, like a highway, pointing out which direction you needed to travel to get to your intended destination. A really big flashing arrow would be very welcome about now.

Will and I are not religious, but that doesn’t mean that we are not spiritual people. We have just never found a religious practice that fits with how we feel about life. Up to now, when faced with a huge life changing decision, there has always been a clear path. It’s not always an easy path, but life has a way of letting us know which way to go.

It was like this when we made the decision to move to Alaska. We were living in Seattle and a job opportunity came up here. It was for less money , was 900 miles away from everyone we knew, and I was pregnant with out first child, but it just felt right and we have never regretted it. When we were trying to decide if we should buy a house the same thing happened. We had just decided to wait another year when one afternoon we were out killing time and I saw an open house sign half buried in a pile of snow. I just had a strong feeling we should look at it. We did and we both just knew, the moment we stepped into the front door, that this was OUR house. We had to fight for it, and it was hard work, but it was meant to be. We just knew. From deciding to have children to getting jobs, there has always been a path that just felt right.

I can’t seem to find that path right now. I have been drawn to adoption for a long, long time, and I always thought we would eventually adopt a child into our family. After Princess was born I started talking to Will about it. He wasn’t in the same place I was and had never considered adopting a child. We have been talking about it for 4 years now and just when I thought we had everything worked out, we hit a detour.

We were not looking, or thinking about domestic adoption when an opportunity for one came up. The second I heard about it, I had that strong feeling that this was something we needed to peruse. I talked to Will and he felt the same way. I didn’t know anything about the birthmom, but the more we talked, the more we seemed to have in common. I really felt like this was happening for a reason. It wasn’t a path we had planned on, but it seemed to be the way we were meant to go. When she picked another couple, we were sad, but mostly we were confused. We still believe that everything happens for a reason so, why did this happen. What are we supposed to learn from this? Where are we going from here?

I keep waiting to find the path that feels right and it’s not coming. I’m not sure what this means. Is it not time yet to add to our family? Do we need to learn to make a leap of faith? Should we wait and hope the right path shows itself? Is it just a matter of there not being only one right answer? It’s so hard to be in this place. I want to move on, to start working on our adoption, but I don’t feel the conviction I usually do about being on the right road. I could really use some clarity right now!

Does anyone have a road map?


Anne said...

Hey, Mandy, did you ever think maybe you're grieving right now? I know from what you've written that you were totally excited about the prospect of adopting domestically. Maybe time will help clarify which direction your heart really wants to go. In the meantime, ((((hugs))))!

Margaret said...

The decision making process (when you were already knee-deep in another adoption) can make you feel lost. You will figure it out, Mandy. I don't know if you're a list maker, but that's what helped me start narrowing things down. I wrote a list of all the options that seemed feasible for me. Then, I researched each and one by one I ruled them out. The final choice was the hardest because the last two options both felt good. So a leap of faith was in order, but now I'm really happy with my decision.

You will be, too. It just takes some time.

D.K. said...

Read the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It's Awesome.

jeneflower said...

Sometimes I have felt like a certain choice is totally right (an overwhelming feeling) and then the next week I don't feel anything about it at all. For me I just go with that initial feeling and I stick with it even when things don't seem to go right or if I lose the feeling. It helps me feel anchored. Good luck with whatever you choose.

M3 (Mary-Mia) said...

Great post! First-time reader here, and I'll be back. (Great blog design too.) Wish I had a road map to offer you, but I'm kind of winging it right now. :-)