Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Can you see my head spinning around?

What to do? Adoption. When to do it? Adoption. How to do it? Adoption. These are the things that swirl around in my head when I’m supposed to be working, sleeping, eating… existing. I’ve always felt that we had a goal and a destination to go with our lives. I was also pretty sure I knew what direction it was in, and what we would see when we got there. Now, I’m just not sure. Did I ever really know? Do we ever?

I guess I’d say I’m in a state of total confusion about what to do. It’s something that is so hard to face that it makes even thinking about it almost impossible. I’d rather run and hide… Which apparently is what I have been doing. So I’m hoping that if I write down some of these swirling thoughts then I won’t be tempted or at least I can’t run away from it completely.

I want another child, I’ve always thought we should have three. Well that’s not entirely accurate. I always thought I wanted two, you know, so we could replace ourselves. Then I realized that was just my parent(s) talking, and that’s what they believed. I look at our family and two just doesn’t complete the picture.

The third… The third… This is the question. When Carrie had our second child, we both agreed that it would be the last bio-child. This was for a number of reasons, mostly related to Carrie’s health with the second pregnancy and our relationship struggles during that pregnancy. So we started discussing adoption.

Actually we’d had talked about adoption off and on throughout our relationship. Carrie had always told me (And continues to tell me) that she has been drawn to adoption her whole life. I wish I could say the same. Adoption was something that was never discussed in my family. It was just a topic of conversation that never appeared in my entire time growing up. My parents didn’t talk about it; I didn’t know anyone that was adopted (At least to my knowledge) and the concept was very foreign to me.

I have learned a great deal about adoption and have really worked on having the concept find a place in my heart and mind. It’s very hard to go from 0 to adopt without it even being a concept to you.

Carrie’s strong feelings about adoption come from a different perspective than mine. This perspective is very personal to her, and I will not share it. If she wants to she can, but I know more than any one person about her, and I know deep in my heart why she is drawn to adoption.

We have been discussion adoption every since Cookie was born and we thought we’d decided on China. Well the more we talked about it, the more I didn’t like the program. I realize that China has a tremendous need for adoptive families and I’m very happy that the program is so successful, but it just didn’t feel right for me (Or Carrie). So then we started to talk about Ethiopia.

Ok, let me backup for a moment and clarify something. When it comes to these programs and international adoption programs in general, it is always Carrie who does the initial research and then comes and gets my ideas and opinions. This is not because I’m not interested in adopting, or that she’s trying to push me into something I don’t really want to do. It has to do with Carrie’s DRIVE to adopt. I don’t have a drive to adopt. I also don’t have an aversion to adopt. I simply want to adopt if we can make it work for our family. I think this a considerable challenge when we both sit down and discussion what we want, and how we want to go about it.

So let me close this long post with saying that all the information that we have discussed over the past couple of years is still floating around in this noggin of mine and I’m doing my best to process it. Questions Questions Questions. Do we adopt internationally, domestically, have another bio-child? What What What?

Sorry for the long post, I guess I had a lot to write about (Sorry for any typos as well, its rather late at night).

I promise to post again soon with slightly less coherent ramblings about all the different issues that we continue to talk through about raising an adopted child.



Margaret said...

Will - Very good to hear from you. Being single, my experience in somewhat different. But I never felt a big call to adopt either. Initially, adoption was just an alternative to becoming a mother because I was single. I have an adoption journal that I kept while in that decision making process and I went back and forth a million times. Ultimately, I came to love the idea of adopting -- it's much more than an "alternative" for me now.

Give yourself time to think. You and Mandy will come to the right decision as a team.

Carrie said...


I'm very sorry about the argument last night. I know that we are both very frustrated at our lack of direction right now and it was wrong of me to blame you for it. I know that you are just as eager to start moving forward as I am. I want you to know that I'm willing to wait for as long as we need to both feel comfortable and confident in our path.

After 12 1/2 years, you have to know how much not having everything planned out is driving me crazy. I appreciate your patience and I will try to have more with you. I believe that when the time is right, we’ll both know. I love you.


Elle said...

Will, It is good to hear this from the Dad's point of view. I know when I first brought up adoption to D he wasn't sold right away. I am an adoptee so to me it was the logical choice, for D it was more about the logistics (money, time, etc)

As us moms have been such a support to each other maybe the dads could be a support to one another too.

You guys will get through this together. Trust that.

Rhonda said...

OK, here's the interesting thing...when we were in Russia and getting to know the family we traveled with, they had THIS exact story. And Elle and D, and Brian and myself...and now you guys. What I find interesting is that it takes the men MUCH longer to feel the passion for adopting. They feel it later down the road, but at the beginning, its usually the women who are pushing for it. I don't want to over-generalize or seem sexist, but I can relate SO MUCH with what you guys are going through. The fights...the indecision..the lack of clarity. I was feeling like I did all of the work and wasn't sure of B was on board at times. I was angry at him because he didn't share my passion. Now, all he talks about are the kids...

Anyways, enough about us..just know that you're not alone. This is a very difficult time.

Anne said...

I think writing things down can really help -- I know you guys will hash through this and come out of it stronger and better prepared for whatever path you choose. I wish all parents took parenting so seriously.

Wishing you all the best!

Captain Smartypants said...

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that most guys take in information, internalize it for a while and use logic as their guide. Most women lead with their heart. The interesting thing about adoption is that you can rely completely on logic or your heart, it takes a balance of both. For guys, you have to let yourself become vulnerable which is very tough to do and goes against all that society has taught us about being "men". Anyway, just my 2 cents. Keep searching inside Will and the answers will come. As always, keep those lines of communication open.

jeneflower said...

I love it when the Dad posts. I have been trying to get M to post, but he won't. Sigh.

I don't think M feels as strongly as I do about adopting, but he has been very supportive. It sounds like that is how you are. You sound like a great guy. Your family is lucky to have you!

I think I will have M read your post when he gets home (and D's comments)

Solomon & Malachi said...

Wow. This could have been written by my husband. To the detail. Except we got 2 boys instead of 2 girls. Same wife always drawn to adoption. Same scary delivery the second time around and subsequent choice of no more bios. Same initial investigation of China. Same reason for rejecting it. Same decision for Ethiopia. Now God has moved us to adopt Rayna, a little girl from foster care, but Ethiopia is next. I fell in love with it and can't let it go. I'll keep checking in with you - our stories are too similar for me not to!! And, when it's right - you will BOTH know. We struggled with this for years, even before the boys were born. Me pushing him. I wanted it NOW!! C'MON MAN - I'M DYING HERE! Then, I let it go. And one day it was finally right and HE made the decision. Never thought that would happen. Anywho..rambling comment here. Just hang in there!