Thank goodness things are starting to settle back down around here this week. I had to work full time last week to cover for a co-worker who was on vacation and I can honestly say that working that much BITES, Big Time! It was particularly bad because on two of those days I had late board meetings I had to attend so I left the house before the girls were up and didn't get home until after bed time. I just wanted to cry I missed them so much! I would never want to work more than 20 hours a week while the kids are little and I have new found respect for all the full time working parents out there that can still keep it all together at home; our house just fell to pieces!

I appreciate all the sympathy in the comments of my last post. I know that no one other than Z-Man and I can make the right decisions for our family but it’s nice to know that others have been there, done that. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve fallen into a cycle of decision making that isn’t getting me anywhere. When I get home on Friday evening and see my messy house, and realize all the work I have to do over the weekend to tie up loose ends, I resolve to write my letter of resignation right then and there and hand it in on Monday. (And no, I’m not just procrastinating cleaning the toilets….well, mostly) When Monday rolls around I come into work get busy doing adult type things and have great conversations with my ubber cool co-workers and start doing things that have a hugely positive impact on my community and I remember how much I love my job and resolve to work harder at finding alternative solutions to our problems.

Rinse and repeat.

I don’t have much time left before I need to decide one way or the other and get the ball rolling. I either need to give notice so my boss has a least a few days to look for a replacement before he's gone for a month on leave, or I need to line up childcare/camp opportunities for Princess since school will be out at the end of the month. The problem is that I know what I need to do… I just don’t wanna!

Even since we decided to start a family I have always been the one to sacrifice personal goals for the good of the family. I quit college when we got pregnant with Princess and can’t afford to go back any time soon. I quit working around the same time and stayed home with her until she was almost a year old. Then I found a great job working at a birthing center and ended up leaving there when Cookie came along. Z-man travels for work a lot so I have to always be here to be the stable influence for the kids. Sometimes I would love to ditch everyone and go visit my Grandmother in Arizona for a week sometime or maybe go to a conference in Vegas or New York. (Yeah…all those stay-at- home mom conferences right?) Every time the question has come up of them or me, I always choose them. If I even think of putting me first I feel intensely guilty.

So the big problem now is that it has once again come down to something I want or the best interest of my family and I know which way this is going to go…and I resent it a bit. I want this job. I love this job. I don’t want to quit! I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom! I’m thrilled that it works for so many women and that they have to choice to stay home if they choose, but I don’t want to that. I’m cornered though and I don’t really have a choice. I have to do what is best for my children (and I want what’s best for them with all my heart). I just wish I knew how to make that be what’s best for me too!

posted at 2:43 PM  
Labels: It's ALL about ME, Kids