Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Finding balance

It’s been hard for me to write on this blog over the last few days. One reason is the fabulous weather we’ve been enjoying. It’s been in the low 40’s and sunny. It’s so nice to finally be able to see pavement in my driveway after 4 months of snow! The girls and I have been taking long walks and getting lots of fresh air. I can’t wait till it warms up a bit more and I can give the house a good airing out. It’s so stuffy to go back inside after being out for a while on a nice brisk day.

I’ also having trouble blogging right now because this is mainly an adoption blog and I don’t have anything to say on that front. I know that there are many highs and lows on the adoption journey and I’ve found myself in a low this week. It seems like the excitement of our adoption ebbs and flows like the tides and I’m just drift wood along for the ride.

When we started the process, adoption was an abstract idea. We talked about adding another child to our family and discussed how we were going to do that; adoption was just an idea then. Then, when we started filling out paperwork and gathering documents it became a race to see how quickly we could get done and on the wait list. Adoption was starting to become a bit more real then but was still intangible.

It was when we had our first home study visit that it really hit home to me that we were really doing this; that we are going to have another child. Talking with the social worker about our plans and seeing her excitement as an adoptive parent herself made everything feel real. It was then that I had the same panic attack I’ve had at the beginning of our journey to each of our children; though usually when staring at a positive pregnancy test. I call it the “oh crap what have we done” moment; that space of time when the enormity of the changes to come really hits you! Adoption was very real to me then.

I was thrilled to finish our dossier and celebrated each big paperwork milestone; we were going to have a baby! Nothing could get me down off the high of finally reaching that covetous stage; waiting for a referral.

Of course, now that I’ve been in the wait a while, it all seems unreal again. I’m having a hard time picturing us getting a referral and traveling to Ethiopia. It can’t really picture our life or family with a third child. It’s not that I don’t think it’ll happen, it just that it seems like a daydream or, well….unreal. Life goes on and the seasons change and our adoption just tends to drift to the back of my mind.

When I was pregnant, I always had a constant reminder that life was going to change and that we were going to have a baby. Morning sickness, growing, movement, exhaustion, maternity clothes, and doctor visits all kept everything right up front…so to speak. Now I find myself struggling to find the excitement and awe of this life changing event we are in the middle of. I want to be enthusiastic about our journey but also worry that if I get too wrapped up in it, the wait will be much more difficult.

Does anyone know what I mean? How did you find an emotional balance during the wait or am I just wishing for the impossible?


Maggie said...

I totally know what you mean. Balance is something I always strived for and can honestly say I never achieved. I've lived the past two years hyper-focused on adoption. Having Princess and Cookie to keep you otherwise occupied ought to be helpful.