Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Doubts and Fears

I’ve always said that the hardest thing about adoption in how many chances you get to change your mind. Everyone from your social worker to the guy next door asks you if you are sure, really sure that you want to do that. You can change your mind at any time up until your case goes to court. Sure you may be out a few bucks… or a great sum, but you can still take the exit door.

It's hard to be really sure all of the time! Today is one of those days. This week Princess finally learned how to buckle her seatbelt by herself. It’s a little thing, but it makes a huge difference in how easy it is to get the girls in and out of the car. She gets in, shuts her door, and buckles up all while I’m getting Cookie in. Sweet freedom! Did you know that Cookie is now 100% potty trained. No more accidents, no more pull ups, no more diaper bag! It’s amazing how much difference these little things make. It’s hard to think of going back to diapers again.

We have a three bedroom house. Our room, obviously, is for us and the occasional nighttime visitor; yes they both now sleep in their own beds most of the time! The girls share one room and the third room is the home business headquarters/guest room. We had always planned to turn the office into the baby’s room and build on a room for the office, but now the floors in our bathrooms are rotting away because the previous home owner didn’t seal the bath tubs correctly. I had to sign a big check to the contractor today to completely gut both bathrooms and redo almost everything in them. Let just say that this remodel is going to cost us almost as much money as our adoption. So, if the bathroom project cost that much, how much is it going to cost us to add on to the house assuming we can afford it after this and the adoption expenses?

So let’s recap. . . We have no money, no space, and today the idea of starting all over again with another baby causes me to hyperventilate. I know that all of these thoughts are stress based and I’m sure that I’ll find my equilibrium soon but it’s kind of scary to be having these kinds of thoughts this late in the game.

I wish that adoption was like pregnancy; once the ball is in motion there is no looking back. The deed is done, deal with it. Then I could still be stressed about all these things without having to deal with the “what if” side of things. Sometimes the reality of how difficult adoption is really hits home hard.


KrazyMom said...

We have only just begun with the adoption process and I can already relate to what you are saying. The cost of adoption is astronomical! I am not saying that it is not worth it, but it is scary to think about. We also would have to rearrange our living quarters. I run a daycare out of our home and would need to make one of the daycare rooms into the baby's room. Adoption is stressful, and to add the financial stress on top of it must be hard. Hang in there, I am sure it will work out beautifully for you! Just keep focused on the blessing of when all is said and done (not to mentioned paid for..haha)!

Anne said...

This time, I'm feeling a lot of the same things. We went around and around about even starting the process again. Even though we decided to forge ahead, I still have days when I think, "what in the world are we doing?" So many things to be nervous and doubtful about. I don't know why I didn't feel this way the first time, probably because our youngest was is just so tempting to call it "done" and that would be the easiest for us, for sure. But it wouldn't be the easiest for Hayat, and that's what won the day.

And, I have to say that adopting Hayat was one of the very best things I've ever done. I wish the process hadn't been so hair-raising (and it could have been much, much harder), but in the end we couldn't be happier.

Seems impossible to avoid extremely complex feelings when you're adopting. I know that when we see our next little one's face, all our doubts will vanish, but right now it's an abstraction, so the other stuff is hard to push away.

Good luck, and know you're not alone in your feelings! :)

Swerl said...

I definitely relate to what you are feeling! Some days I'm very excited and hopeful, other days I'm very nervous and uneasy about the whole process. We, to, have 2 kids at home (5 and 3). It is daunting to think of going back to having a baby, now that my kids are such big guys now. Do you think this "back and forthness" is just part of the process (especially when you are a waiting family)?

Carrie said...

Anne - You're adopting again? Wow, that great. I bet it is scary to start all over again know what you know now. Kinda like getting pregnant for the second time! I'm praying that you're right and I will know this is right when we see our new baby.

Swirl - When I'm calmer I can see that these are similar emotions to the ones I had when I was pregnant. That "oh crap, what have we done to ourselves!" feeling in particular is very familiar. I guess the hardest part for me is how long the process is and that you have the ability to change your mind.

It's hard to still feel the same way about adding a new child 1 year later. A lot has changed since we started this process, kids are older and more self sufficient, I'm working now, finances are different... things change. I know that I still want a baby but it's harder to fit that into my life today then it was when we started the process.

I hate that we have an exit. IF everything was set in stone then I would know that there was no turning back and I would put my head down and deal. I hate that I sometimes think that this is too hard and all it would take is one little phone call...

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found this article. I am a single gentleman who has already successfully adopted a boy. He has lived with me for six years. I was matched with another boy in April, and we began visits from May through July. He has many issues (PTSD, ADHD, sleep and eating disorders, and multiple meds). He was going to be placed with me this week just before school. The two-hour drive back-and-forth every weekend and the exhaustion with work finally overwhelmed me. I didn't have his bedroom ready, and I felt overwhelmed. I was in panic mode, afraid, and confused. The social worker was supportive throughout the whole ordeal and offered every kind of support. I finally waved the white flag last week and gave up. One week later, I feel like I made a huge mistake. The boy and I developed a nice relationship, but I got scared. I want to contact the social worker and tell her that I made a mistake. I felt pressured and afraid. What do I do now?